My Blue Tombstone

I’ve been feeling pretty blue lately, and when our Wednesday night church leader asked the following question, it really took me for a spin:

“What would your loved ones write on your tombstone if they could only could use one word?”

It was in a “5 Love Languages” class and the goal was to help identify what love language I used. If I could identify my kids/wife’s love language, I could use that and then maybe they’d write “He served” or “He listened” or “He cared”. It didn’t work. I Immediately went through the list of what would most likely end up etched in stone:

“He wasted”
I used to compose songs, record them, perform them, and communicate passionately to impact lives around me. I built a recording studio with the assumption I would be very active creating music. None of that has happened. I haven’t composed a song nor recorded my own music in years. What a waste.

“He wanted”
All the toys. The best. The shiniest. Oh sometimes I wander between guitars, keyboards, computers, gadgets, sound equipment, even a car or two depending on my mood, but I obsess about them, and get blue when reality takes the $$$ away I’ve saved for it.

“He stared”
How many times have my kids tried to interrupt me from staring at and caressing my iPhone? This addicting Internet toy improves the life of my loved ones how? But my how it fills the time between sleeps.

“He worked”
Big deal. So I made IBM some money. I've seen many co-workers come and go and within a month there’s no trace of them being there and in a couple years there’s no trace that their work ever existed. I also imagine my kids crying out “That’s not TRUE!”, then running up and sketching “…too much” in permanent marker. “There. Now it’s true”. Thanks.

“He didn't”
So many things I don’t take the time to do that really matter. But I don’t even know where to find the ‘what matters’ list. I guess I’ll just keep watching American Idol. At least I can check that off as something I did.

“He yelled”
At my kids, at my wife, at myself. Not all the time, just enough to keep the guilt flowing. I think I get control of my rage and then one of them will challenge me or interrupt me or make a could-be-cleaned-up-in-30-seconds mess that takes me to that place satan loves to meet me and have a double-shot-yell-for-nothing-and-leave-scars-on-the-heart-of-a-six-year-old latte. Mmmm. Yummy.

“He raised”
4 kids. Does that count? Even dogs have more offspring. Did I impact them? Sure, but did I do more damage than good? Was the investment worth it? Did I invest enough? Ask my youngest. My heart aches at how he tries to please me and I too quickly tell him to stop doing something that’s totally benign…like making mud soup outside. as Brian Regan confirmed, I care more about how my concrete driveway looks than the joy in my child’s heart.

“He loved”
Maybe, but not very well. I find people more irritating than worth while. I’m more of a stay-close-if-useful-to-me relational human than really interested in them.

“He believed”
Ya, but did I need 41 years to do something I started at 7? Especially when a successful believer would have a long wake of saved friends. Me? I just don’t get close enough to know if they need a savior, or frankly to care.

“He left”
The one sure thing I can count on. At some point I’ll have a real tombstone and leave someone behind. They’ll probably feel sad. Is that the one accomplishment I can count on? Awesome.

So, are you prepared if someone asks, “What would your loved ones write on your tombstone if they could only could use one word?”

Hard Core Impact on a Robot

“Hello. My name is Greg. I’ve been a youth group survivor for 23 years”.

That’s how I imagine some remember their church youth group experience growing up. Not me. My high school youth group became such a core part of my existence that its effects are still strong in my life. Pretty apropos that it was called “Hard Core”. Even more, the leader, Chuck, took the helm, guided this young sailor through the rocky shoals that could have wrecked me early on. I now reflect on how I started sailing this sea of life with a great captain to guide me.

This is really for all youth leaders that wonder. “What does it matter if I show up tonight to lead these kids in worship and other youth group mayhem? It’s not like they care.”  Trust me. It matters. We care. Show up…please.

Hard Core Effects on the Life of Greg:

I met my wife there!   Hard Core had coffee houses and I had just joined a band with my friends Eric and Pete. I didn’t know anyone else at the time, but I played at one and met Karyn. If memory serves, it was the classic “I saw her in the crowd dancing to our songs…it was love at first site”. Not many people know that when I was 16 I prayed that I would meet my wife early so I wouldn’t have to do the “dating” thing. I remember deep talks about relationships, intimacy, self-control, all of which were instrumental in “waiting” for the wedding.

Hardcore gave me confidence that I could actually play music and rock for Jesus.

I remember sitting with Chuck in my dad’s ‘84 Toyota Camry and listening to “The Rock” (click to listen now) that I recorded in my little studio to a cassette. He was very supportive. Now music is a core part of my life. I’ve toured the world playing music, performed throughout Rochester, composed many songs and full soundtracks, built a recording studio serving startup bands and players, and am currently serving in my church, leading a Sunday band and the student band.

I finally rid myself of my obsession with Prince. Since 8^th grade I bought everything having to do with Prince and it shaped my thoughts and actions. Hard Core gave me the guts to literally burn it during a cold Hard Core night. I still remember the pain when Karyn tore the Purple Rain album sleeve in ½, but now I think of how liberated I was after that. It let Christian music in so I could be more open to Jesus. It was a HUGE thing and helped me in my journey.

I’ve got 4 kids now!!! Not that having kids was the focus of Hard Core but adult male role-models on how to treat women was. Chuck treated his wife well in front of all of us students and his little one that put some seeds of wisdom in my brain.

I learned the value of quiet time. We went to some farm with a really old piano. It was winter. We were told to walk by ourselves and reflect. It was almost like we were in training, never just on a “youth trip”. Trips like that were always great fun, but a sense of urgency or importance or something made it clear we shouldn’t fool around with this Jesus thing…that we should get with it and never look back.

During Hard Core I experienced times of worship so intense! If I would have known how rare that would be through my life, I would have savored it even more. We learned that students shouldn’t be toyed with when it comes to worship and Jesus. We were so ON FIRE! I still remember feeling it was like the early church. We all went to school together, played after school together, went to church together, small group together, we went out on weekends together…and we were all believers so it was one of the safest environments to grow up and mature in. We weren’t toyed with. We were told one night, “he comes like a thief in the night, to steal, kill, and destroy” and if we didn’t help each other and become strong believers, we’d be in big trouble. This was all an experience I’ll never forget.

I Remember being given a “Sailing” painting by Chuck before they moved. I still have it. It reminds me of the impact he had on me and the impact I can have on students now. The following movie is the song Chuck wrote inspired by that painting and other photos from Hard Core.

Crash and Burn…and Sushi

Without going into a lot of detail, lets just say that sometimes customers get angry…and sometimes it’s for good reason.

Recently I was asked to do technical debug sessions…like installation debug…that I am unfamiliar with. While I used to be a developer and regularly communicate technical concepts, it’s more ‘technical evangelism’, more of the ‘how to get value’, not the ‘how to get it running’ install issues. The result was a a bunch of fear and anxiety about my job that I’ve never had before. Un-good.

Surrounding this new-found atmosphere was an executive pitch I was scheduled to do. My assumption was I was going to crash and burn big time. My attitude about the whole week turned quickly from a “Heck yeah I’ll travel to DC for 2 days for a 3 hour briefing…and explore the city” to “Not only is the customer angry…I'm going into the lion’s den. Terrific”.

However, through long hours working with the customer, educating myself on deep technical details, issues, and workarounds, we pulled it out and they’re satisfied…and the executive pitch went really well…so well that they want to expand the use of our product.

Since the whole briefing turned successful, I needed to burn off some anxiety by doing something I know I’m good at. I also HAD to feed my travel bug. The result? I took the time to explore DC.

…from the tasty morsels DC had to offer…

…to the museums showcasing our history…

…to the views that stunned me and made me appreciate my country…

 

…and finally, I decided to squash my anxiety and fear by creating a documentary of sorts highlighting who knows and likes our product…

In the end it was a exceptional trip where I learned a lot about myself, what I love and don’t love about my job, and how weak my faith in Jesus really is when it comes to the details of my life (future post I’m sure).

2010-04-25 Brian Regan

04-25-2010: Brian Regan
Where: Rochester Civic Center Auditorium, Rochester, MN
Went with: Myself, Wife

So this was my first comedian concert. I truly had no idea what to expect, but since I’ve loved Brian Regan’s comedy before and I knew it was clean, I figured it would be a great time to try a ‘big time’ venue and have a nice date-night with my wife.

His brother was the warm-up act (funny stuff) and Brian was excellent! All throughout it was quite funny and probably 3 or 4 times when I couldn’t catch my breath…that’s when you know it’s really really funny.

 

The above photo shows him in action, and how close we were…first row! Was quite excited to get this close. 

But here is the photo that struck me the most: This was just before he went on. Look. There’s only a mic, background lights, and 2 water bottles on a stool. That’s it. I was really taken.

Every concert I go to (or play in) is a band with a whole rack of gear, drums, speakers, amps that fill the stage, and a guitarist that can hold a single note and have the crowd cheer.

A comic? He has nothing. He has his body language, voice, and … I think that’s it:

• He can’t repeat a chorus to fill up time.
• He doesn’t have instruments to solo with…to add to the emotion
• He can’t even milk a joke…otherwise it ruins the whole thing
• His enemy is silence so early on as the crowd is warming up, he’s got to blast jokes out one after another
• He can’t even tell long stories that build otherwise the laugh-engine has to get re-cranked again (at least that’s what I felt)

Then I got to thinking about the logistics and his career:

• He has no merch table. Maybe he doesn’t want to hire another employee? Maybe past tables didn’t profit much? I know I would have purchased a shirt
• Just him and his brother. Do they fly/drive on weekends then go home to a normal life with the kids?
• How much overhead do they have? Can they support their family with this gig? What’s their long-term goals?

I was quite impressed at this performing medium. What a daunting and challenging way to earn a living.

What I love about Brian is that he used simple topics that everyone could relate to and squeezed out hilarious observations. Maybe it’s because they’re things that the whole audience can relate to is why he’s so funny. It’s things like wrestling with kids, watching Nova, getting a ride on a motorcycle…things we can all relate to.

He even was able to impress upon me the need to not stop my kids exploration just because it’s not ‘proper behavior’. “Don’t you know the paint on the wall is more important then the joy in your heart?!?” That is something to ponder as I continue to raise my kids.

All in all, quite a great evening of entertainment, and actually, quite a night to ponder how hard and dedicated you have to be to attempt stand-up for a living.

Well done, Brian!

***********

For background, I first heard Brian Regan on the Dennis Miller radio show. He was very funny. I then watched every single YouTube clips I could. Strange thing, though: Usually for a band you really want to know the music beforehand…but with a comedian, a joke is best heard first so you don’t really want to have heard anything…but you then don’t even know if it’s any good! strange. Here’s one of my favorites:

A Corporate Rock Star

I have to admit. When I’m on stage, wearing my AC/DC shirt, wielding my instrument, lights shining, connecting with the audience, and sharing my passion with what I’ve created, there’s really no place I’d rather be.

When I’m flown in for a 1.5 hour show in front of an audience filled with initial skeptics, those unfamiliar with my work, and executives that can make or break my career, and my performance is at its peak, there’s really no place I’d rather be.

The weird part? I’m not rockin’ on the guitar to songs I wrote with a great band. I’m demoing a product that I am lead user interface designer for. I’m playing the product like an instrument and showing why it’s great to a large group of sales, business partners, and executives who are skeptical or unaware of its value.

The really weird part? I love it.

This one was a wild ride. Started a month ago when I was asked to demo all of IBM Systems Director to our lead sales / business partners. The goal: Prove the product is easy to install, configure and use.

The challenge: All live. No movies, no slides…all live.

I’ve done dozens, probably hundreds of demos before, but the pressure for this one from the execs was higher than ever. They wanted to point to this moment to say, ‘Here’s why customers should invest in this product, and in IBM servers and software’.

For 2 weeks before, I prepared by running through the install and configuration of the product several times. With the incredible help from my colleague Tim, I loaded and customized two great systems with our product installed. I had run through the whole demo several times, created an outline script, recorded a backup movie, and even polished my analogy (a cooking show…and how the “Chef’s table” is the best because the meal is customized for you…just like how IBM Systems Director is best when customized for a specific user).

I really felt ready.

Note: Always back up in triplicate, because you never know which of the hundred dependent technologies will crap out and leave you in a panic:

1. Setup a live primary demo system
2. Setup a live backup demo system
3. Record movies
4. Capture pictures on slides
5. Put all movies and slides on USB memory key

Why all the redundancy? Lets count the ways:

1. Airport destroys your laptop
2. Windows destroys your laptop (with 30 seconds to go…it’s happened)
3. Laptop is just crap and it’ll decide to revert back to its basic carbon elements
4. Conference center lies and doesn’t really have a ‘state-of-the-art’ network, they have a ‘Hey, we’re in the 90’s and think this InterWeb might catch on’
5. Cables won’t work (Ethernet, power, video)
6. Wireless network won’t work
7. Server at home decides to die
8. VPN, IBM intranet decides to complain
9. Network works, but is so slow it’s unusable to prove the ‘snapiness’ of the product

Day of the demo the wireless network is slow. That’s OK I think, I tested the wire at the podium and it worked great. As I walked up 20 minutes before to set up? No wire. No problem. Get reserve wire. Plug it into the podium? ‘No connection’.

Terrific.

Have to use the slower wireless. Thanks to another colleagues suggestion, Craig, I ‘Remote Desktop’ into my primary system back in Rochester, and use the web browser on it. Result? I’m only dependent on the wireless network to render remote desktop, not all the data to the web browser. Brilliant idea!!!

All Ready. I start…the install portion of the demo.

Only takes 5 minutes to show how I downloaded, find the install script to type, and I enter all parameters (which is nice because it does the install and auto connects to Internet to download any updates). I say “That’s it. Lets go to lunch and when we get back, it’ll be done”. They love it.

As they leave for lunch, I validate: NO!!!! I miss-typed the password!!!  I didn’t practice or plan on a nervous tick in my hand! Luckily, I could stop, restart the whole process and and still get to lunch.

When back, with my laptop up front, I had to wait for my ‘opening act’ to finish before my main demo…a full hour of waiting…at this point I had no way to validate if the install/update worked. (HATE not being in control. It only compares to not knowing if my guitar is in tune just before a big song).

I walk up. Looked. Everything is perfect. The remote environment is performing really well. Systems are ready. AC/DC shirt on (really, just under my ‘business casual’ attire). Mentos consumed.

I’m ready to ROCK.

For the next 1.5 hours I dance through our product, showing value, showing how easy it is, making jokes, and make them laugh. They ask hard questions, ‘can it do this, that’? I show how it can be done. By the end, they’re giddy. Their skeptical minds have changed and they’re hooked.

The encore: When asked by the VP ‘OK. Now who plans on selling this?” EVERYONE raises their hands.

For the rest of the night, RSG (Rock Star Greg), hears accolades and answers deeper technical questions. “You’re the talk of the town” says one VP. “Loved how you demoed that”, says another. “You made ME understand the value!”, says a key business partner. “Yes, I agree completely”, says a key marketing executive.

After a celebration beer, I sleep soundly.

Now I’m traveling home, riding the wave…and thinking:

• I love being in the spotlight (Vain? don’t know. Just using God’s gift? that sounds vain)
• I am floating it’s so satisfying
• My history gigging and singing definitely HELPS corporate spotlight performance
• I depend on a lot of people and I need to make SURE I give them proper credit (I did send Tim, his manager and his 2nd line a glowing email of thanks and appreciation)
• The pressure is growing. At some point my demo will fail (just like bands on tour have bad nights)
• The stress was lots bigger than before…but the stakes were higher
• If I didn’t do well? Lose my job? No. Lose credibility? Yes. Lose the reputation? Yes. A passionate evangelist isn’t worth much if their reputation is poor.
• There’s a direct correlation to the success of my last demo and my reputation. Just like in the music business.

Last thought: Lots of people at home were praying for me. Wife and Littlest prayed during the actual time. I wonder, does Jesus give a rip? It didn’t further his Kingdom. Not unless Heaven runs on IBM Servers and IBM Systems Director, or unless HP is the devil (and while a competitor, the company is not evil).

But, with such great success in such great odds of failure due to network and other environmentals out of my control, I wonder if it did help? If it did, I need to not let it go to my head because while I did prepare and practice, It wasn’t all me. I also need to give my worries to Him.

Corporate Rock Star? Maybe. Grateful for getting to do something I love for a living? Yes. Fascinated that Jesus might actually care about my normal, non-church, work life? Definitely.

2010-02-20: B.B. King and Buddy Guy

02-20-2010: B.B. King and Buddy Guy
Where: Orpheum Theatre, Minneapolis
Went with: Myself

It’s not very often that I’m completely blown away by a performer.

Sometimes I’m impressed. Sometimes I’m amazed. But it’s usually because I know their work and expect it.

Buddy Guy completely blew me away.

I guess I didn’t know anything about him. While I know his name, and I know who he has influenced (Eric, Jimi, Angus, Stevie), but sheesh, Buddy is just AMAZING!

He was funny, happy, totally loves playing the blues, was a little dirty, loved his audience, and when he sang ‘while you were slippin’ out, someone was slippin’ in” it totally hooked me as a forever Buddy fan. Another favorite was the way he altered from face-blistering blues to soft and sweet soulful singing on “Skin Deep”. What great vocal quality. And his guitar tone? Ridiculous.

At 74, I can only hope I can play and have fun like that.

The only downer? He made it impossible for B.B. King to blow me away. I completely loved Buddy Guy and could have listened to him for 3 hours.

I went alone to this show. Got there early, got a beer, and enjoyed the scenery. I’ve had a terrible week at work, rough time at home, and actually 2010 hasn’t been very good but was really hoping to get carried away for a night.

I sat next to another loner who is a self-proclaimed concert junkie. He’s seen so many shows and already spent $1K in 2010 on shows. He also travels around the world. Very cool life. Oh, and he has a rippin’ camera so I was able to have him send me a few (the nice ones on this blog). We also got to point to the guy next to us who wouldn’t stop talking during the soft parts. Some people’s entitlement stuns me.

Buddy opened the show, played for over an hour, then we waited for B.B. to come out.

First came Lucille.

Yep, that’s Lucille. Beautiful guitar. 

Then came B.B. He’s 84 so he’s quite old, yet obviously loves playing with his band and loves his audience so that was fun.

He did have some great licks but I just wasn’t blown away. I almost felt guilty. I mean this is B.B. Friggin KING! He was good, and his band was awesome…in fact I liked hearing his rhythm guitarist more than B.B.

Here he is playing in his famous chair.

…and here he is making funny faces. I wasn’t sure if this was his “I’m playing the blues and I'm in the moment” or his “I’m really old and lost control of my facial muscles” or his “I’m crazy lucky to be playing all these years and have the right to make any face I want to, even if it’s because I’m thinking of the sandwich I had earlier tonight”.

After playing for an hour, he started talking while his band vamped. He told jokes and stories for over 20 minutes…and I could only hear 1/2 of it due to sound bouncing around and accent.

THEN? He was cut off! His ‘helpers’ actually walked back on stage, gave him the big “neck-cut” signal. He stopped talking, started apologizing, sang 2 bars of “The Thrill Is Gone”, then held his elbows up and was helped off the stage. Kind of a weird end to the show.

All in all it was a great show. I’d see Buddy Guy again in a second (I should have bought a shirt). But I’m not sure I’ll pay to see B.B. again. Please don’t hate me for that.

A Musical Constant

Sometimes change sucks.

01/24/2010 was not supposed to be a big day for me. It was just another Sunday our worship band played. But when I got there I was reminded that our bass player, Mark, was playing his last day with us.

Sometimes change sucks.

See, while I played it very low key, I was terribly depressed. I started to unravel my musical journey since 1998 and Mark has been a true constant. We’ve made each other better players along the way. We laughed and joked at truly inappropriate content for a church stage…even while on stage :-)  We went on vacations together, to guitar stores together, heck, he even was there when my 3 youngest were born.

We met in the early days of crossWinds church, when we desperately needed a bass player…any bass player. I didn’t even care if he was any good.  I remember literally leaping  when I first heard him. You know the feeling when something just clicks…when there’s a chemistry that you know you can’t plan for but are fully aware of the potential… (sheesh I sound like a girl)

We played at church every week, then when we got enough players, every two weeks. From then until now I bet Mark and I have played well over 1000 different songs (which by the way resulted in me picking up songs immediately, but blocked my long-term memory from memorizing any song more than 7 days)
Here is a shot of the band back in 2004 but in the garage we rehearsed in since 1997.
When we couldn’t get enough from the 4 songs we played on Sundays we started playing for the student event “Riptide”, and called ourselves “Raymond’s Last Day”. For a short season we rocked the multi-church event and even broadened out to other church events playing songs we knew wouldn’t work at church (Creed, U2, etc)

Beyond church we played in Jesus Christ Superstar. Super hard bass parts…pulled off brilliantly.  Then later we would then make each other laugh with musical jokes by playing a Judas riff or other motif only he and I would know during church rehearsal (or during offering)


Sometimes change sucks.

When I got a call to record another CD from a local artist Jake, Mark played bass…wonderful fretless work. Turned out so well we ended up forming a backup band called the ‘Coat-Tail Riders"’ since we played whenever Jake played. No coffee house was too small nor medical courtyard to hot to keep us away. We played, doubled, danced between notes, and simply had a delightful time. For a season Jake, myself, Mark, Karyn whooped it up and had a complete blast. Soooo fun supporting an artist like Jake with my bass constant.

Over the recent years we haven’t done as much musically together outside of church (I tried to get him to play Rocky Horror with me but he couldn’t…could have been a blast) but we still had the constant of playing every 3 weeks at church. When we had a bass sub it was fun, but the music just didn’t gel the same. We knew what each other would play.

Most recently he’s been playing in a band I’ve grown to love, Pastel Black.
He’s wonderful in that group, too. Many times I wish I could play with him there but I wouldn’t get past the Eddie solos, so I spend time in the crowd enjoying the experience.

Sometimes change sucks.

So now what? We’re not in a band for the first time in a looong time. We have a new bass player who will be great, but just not the same. I hope to find ways to play with Mark. I hope we play more, but I’m not sure I foresee any regular stint. When we sub together I’m afraid it won’t get much past the small talk.
I hope I’m wrong.

But I do know one thing…sometimes change sucks.