Thursday, September 22, 2011

A REAL Hinter's "Ode to Children"

I have four children, which makes me an expert on fathering (quick, read the next sentence before the flaw in that logic surfaces) 
In addition, as a Hintermeister, I have an extra-special something that helps in my fathering...I call it the HINTERmojo. It would be a shame to keep this power a secret, so I'd like to give you my "Ode to Children" that you can use to become a HINTERfather on your own.
But be warned, we do NOT want this power to be released into the general population, so I have encrypted this "Ode". The normal text is what the 'masses' will hear you say...and the italicized text is said in your head, or under your breath preferably as you glare with your HINTEReyes at your kids. This will immerse you in the secret HINTERsauce that will truly make you a fathering expert.

~~~ Ode to My HINTERchildren ~~~
My Darling Children
...which right now stands for DARn-Louder-than-a-traIN-annoying-little-$*#%!-I-missed-what-captain-picard-was-sayinG!

I love you more than life
...Life cereal, that is. But, add fresh raspberries...and a drop of honey, Hmmm, I'd have to think on it

The moment I learned I would be a father, I cried tears of joy
...and fear, anguish, pity, and betrayal. I mean, the Health teacher explicitly said it only happens when Coke and kissing are mixed. I haven't had Coke in years!!! And the missus and I were just getting started in our travels. Lousy educators...I blame them (well, OK...and the jetlag...and the European air...and the gardens...and the 2 hour bullet train to Paris...and...)

When you arrived, you took my breath away
...mostly from nausea and looked kinda gross. And what a grueling day! I had to sit in a hospital chair for 21 hours...STRAIGHT...and that was pre-iPhone. The anguish can not be compared! At least the missus got drugs and a bed...she was so lucky

As I watch you grow, my heart overflows
...but not my wallet. If I knew how much friggin' money you'd cost me, we might have turned to pet gerbils for love and purpose. They're .034% the cost to feed, they run around naked, and they don't take over my home theatre when I want to watch a movie. Sure they poop in my hands...but so did you until you were three.

I can't believe how blessed I am in the wholesome replacement for a curse word. Example: "Where is that blessed kid!?!" or, "That was a blessed stupid stunt you tried to pull!", or, "These are marshmallows, not a blessed snack...nor ammo!"

What an amazing gift you are
...but a new Nissan 350z Roadster is an amazing gift too...and I could have bought six of them instead of what I spent for sports and braces and clothes and food. Oh, and the Roadster doesn't talk back...unless you count the sweet tones of open-road engine hum...which is quite different from anything that ends in "...hate you Dad!"

One day, you will be out in this world on your own
...Amen, but still sucking money from your patriarical teet, I'm sure

People will see a loving, happy, shining spirit
...which came entirely from your Mom. If they see a moody, shallow, "Nonsense...those shoes will last another year with the proper amount of duct tape!" spirit, that'd be from me

My hope is that the world will look upon you and smile
...cause that's what I'll be doing in MY home theatre

Throughout your life, a part of my heart will always be with you
...I just hope it grows back. I've heard the capacity to love grows, but my new guitar just arrived and I've got a lot of lovin' to do

As long as I am alive, I will always be proud of you. I love you
...which is sayin' something...especially after the "power drill incident" and the "nice chat with the police officer" episodes

...Now, plug in that guitar, click 4, and lets rock this joint! There's always room for a metal family band, right?!?

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