Friday, November 11, 2011

HINTERgrams - 2011 Edition


At our girlies latest gymnastics event, I heard a lot of "good luck" messages read over the PA just before our girls meet. These are personal messages parents write to their little competitors, then some lady shouts them into the microphone (in a surprising monotone delivery) in hopes that the gymnasts hear a spark of support. I suppose it's to encourage the young ladies to do the best they can.

Some examples:

"Good luck, Sally. We love you. Mom and dad"

Or

"Brittany, you're a rock star! We know you'll do great. Grandpa"  

Of course being a HINTER, I feel these messages should be more impacting...something to give these athletes real focus to give their routines something extra. Basically, to help them find their inner HINTERmojo. 

Therefore, I give you:  

HINTERgrams - 2011 Edition

First, I'd start off with the basics:

"Sally, Good luck! ...You'll need it. Dad"

Or

"Lucy, let's hope that star in the East can pull off another miracle. Love Dad"

Then, I'd add some loving truth:

"Sally, you're just not that good. Get used to disappointment. Love Dad"

Or

"Lucy, your dog just died. Just thought you should know. Good luck!"

Next, I'd add some positive motivational themes:

"Sally, if you ever want to see your hamster alive again, get a 9 on floor"

Or

"Lucy, remember how sad I was when Nanna died? If you don't place in the top 3 the wounds will open again. Love you. Dad"

Finally, I'd wrap it up with a personal touch:

"Sally, while I'm still sober, I want to say good luck. I love you...at least today I do" 

Or

"Lucy, if it weren't for your 'competitive calling', I'd be whipping down the interstate in my Nissan Roadster. You'd better do well today. Love Dad"

Of course, it's not only the athletes that need motivation. It's the judges. First I'd start with the must-have-been-an-honest-mistake:

"Dear vault judge: did you write 6 while meaning 9, or are you taking out your lack of life-purpose on my 10 year old? " 

Then I'd utilize peer-pressure:

"Dear beam judge: I just Googled it 5 minutes ago, and I can score better than you. Those toes were pointier than the hat you wear!"

Finally, I would compose a message hand-crafted utilizing the finest skills from my years of education, communication, writing experience:

"Dear floor judge: Bite Me"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you go. Use just a few of these HINTERgrams and you will become a better parent-spectator at any sport. Soon the crowd will cheer louder for you than the athletes...which, of course...is the goal of any parent.

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