Monday, January 31, 2011

Are You a REAL Hintermeister?

With all my attempts at trying to become less robot-y, I am concerned that I have mis-guided you to think incorrectly of the Hintermeister Brand. After all, we are a unique gene pool that dates back to the year 1370 in Gerlisberg, Switzerland. Here is our family crest:
Therefore, in order to gain full appreciation of all that is true Hintermeister spirit, I have created a self-guided test to determine if you can consider yourself a REAL Hintermeister.
Scenario 1: You are mowing your 5 acre yard and see a small furry critter running away from you in fear.
Do You:
A) Stop the mower until the critter is at a safe distance, then erect a small ‘animal-crossing’ picket fence to avoid future mower-induced fear that might shorten the life of your furry friend
B) Ignore the critter and continue to mow because, well, a straight-lined lawn is a Godly lawn. And, if God had meant for me to care for that creature He would have made it out of an iPhone, a guitar, or made it run a heckova lot faster
C) Swerve wildly in hot pursuit in hopes that you overtake the critter, see furry confetti fly out of the business end of the mower, and celebrate with the same gusto as one would celebrate your brother crashing his car into the family mailbox
Scenario 2: You have 4 or more children. Off in the distance you hear one of them screaming.
Do You:
A) Drop everything you’re doing, find your precious off-spring and have a calm discussion with any oppressor of the benefits of verbal diplomacy
B) Drop everything you’re doing, find out if your precious off-spring’s pain is:
1) If self-inflicted: Tell him to grow a pair and learn to suffer because life is full of pain
2) If bully-inflicted: Declare that jail is going to be a tasty reward fo the pummeling you are about to give his offender
C) Drop another ice-cube into your drink and turn the music up louder. If they were really hurt someone would come running with blood on their hands to prove it. Besides, you are well stocked with extras
Scenario 3: Your favorite band is coming to concert, but your wife is not a fan. Further, it’s on your anniversary.
Do You:
A) Spend quality time with your wife
B) Spend quality time with your wife before the concert. Suddenly complain of a headache…and go see the concert…return with medicine from the store and resume quality time after the concert
C) Inform your wife through her Google Calendar that you have a scheduling conflict from 7pm-10pm that night, and counter with several other nights during the rest of the month that work for you
Scenario 4: You finally got the book/movie you’ve been waiting from the library for 3 months, but you just got back from two weeks of travel and your family wants “connect-with-daddy” time.
Do You:
A) Set aside the book/movie because you realize your family is far more entertaining and fulfilling than any book or movie
B) Set aside the book/movie while you arrange a ‘play-date’ for your kids…and wife…leaving you all alone. Creatively, you arrange to rid the house of your family without them knowing, thereby reflecting any guilt onto them
C) Declare that it’s “Healthy Family Month” and have them all in bed by 8PM…leaving the entire evening to you and the missus…and the fact that she just “doesn’t get” Clint Eastwood and leaves you alone…Well that’s just more chips and cheese for you.
Scenario 5: You are at a family reunion and a new married-into-the-family relative-ette asks, “Why are only the women helping to get the reunion meal made!?!”
Do you:
A) Stand up and offer to help
B) Stand up and move out of ear-shot to a different chair
C) Reply “Because I’m not barefoot and can’t get pregnant. Oh, and while you’re helping, could you top off my drink?”
Scenario 6: Your in-laws are scheduled to come over for dinner on a perfect summer evening.
Do You:
A) Prepare the grill, cook the meat, enjoy their company
B) Prepare the grill, cook the meat, enjoy their company
C) Prepare the grill, cook the meat, enjoy their company
…because a Hintermeister just doesn’t mess with the in-laws. Not only is it good for marital bliss, ANY reason to cook meat over fire while drinking a fine porter is a good decision.
How did you score?
If you chose:
A) You’d better get your DNA tested…I’m not sure HinterBlood runs through your veins.
B) You are a qualified Hintermeister. However, you could learn to unlock some more of the secret HinterMojo
C) HinterMojo runs wild in your blood and you are a honorable representative of the Hintermeister Brand.
Stay tuned for future tests to determine if you are a REAL Hintermeister not just at home, but also at work and while travelling.
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