Friday, June 7, 2013

HINTER Rock Star School Final Exam

My oldest son has a passion for drums. Naturally we talked about going to music school.

Later that evening, my HINTER brain kicked in and thought about the classes he would want to take…what classes would truly prepare him for his future?  Then it came to me…the perfect class…and then I thought about what the final exam would be like...

...I give you…

The HINTER Rock Star Final Exam:

Question 035:
When the morning comes to start recording your third platnum-selling record, how do you prepare?
A) Sleep until 1pm
B) Sleep until 4pm
C) Sleep until 6pm
D) Sleep!?! Rock Stars don't sleep, we fall into an awesome-inspired coma and transport to an alternate universe where we are laser-gun-totin' space cops, saving the galaxy all day long…only to return pumped up on hero-filled adrenaline ready to rock!

Question 03:
When you shop for your stage costume, which store do you purchase from?
A) What're you talking about, I thrift hunt at Ragstock!
B) What're you talking about, I have my costume custom designed!
C) What're you talking about, I steal off the backyards of affluent communist conservative liberals!
D) What're you talking about, I play naked!

Question 65:
When you are playing your first arena gig, you notice the first few rows are filled with beautiful fans. What do you do?
A) Take the Blonde home
B) Take the Brunette home
C) Take the Redhead home
D) All of the above    (to teach them drumming skills and how to grow in their faith, of course! What else would a true rock star do!?!)

Question 035:
In your 8th week of back-to-back nightly gigs, your guitarist interrupts your drum solo 8 bars too early, ruining your catch-the-flaming-gong-mallet-with-your-teeth-while-double-kicking-32nd-notes-in-5/4-while-hi-hatting-duplets-in-7/8 finale.
What do you do?
A) Use your ejector-seat-equiped drum throne to launch yourself onto your future former-guitarist
B) Use your encore pyro rockets, alter their trajectory, and wait for the guitar-amp-on-fire extravaganza. Not only will you get back at your guitarist, he'll be legendary for playing so hard his amp blew up!
C) Remove the protective tip from your drum sticks-air gun, blow a dart filled with 'look-at-me-i'm-stupid' elixir at your guitarist, and watch the future YouTube clip go viral.
D) Smile. Because unlike your bandmates, you have a doctorate in physics, and in 37 seconds during HIS solo, you've engineered his guitar bridge to simultaneously snap all six strings if it hears a resonant frequency of 47 Hz, which happens to be the same frequency as your bass-drop floor tom  :-)  :-)

Question 30:
When you make your first 10 million, what do you spend it on?
A) A Ferrari
B) A Mansion with a series of tom-tom shaped hot tubs
C) Your Family's house - and by family you mean your puppy
D) Your puppy's rescue shelter - because any rock star that lasts needs to help those who helped him…and your puppy was there for you when nobody else was

~~~ END OF EXAM, Put your drum sticks away ~~~

If you answered "D" to these questions, YOU ARE A ROCK STAR!!! However, if you did not get them all correct, but can play the fret pattern identified in each question in one rockin' continuous riff, you are also a rock star!

Tip to Students:
Being a Rock Star really has nothing to do with how much money make, nor how many people you play in front of. Being a Rock Star has everything to do with what you make out of your life…your one, single, it's-all-possible-if-you-work-at-it, leave-no-advetnure-unturned, raise-a-puppy-at-least-once, precious, don't-waste-it, share-it, love-her-unconditionally, rock-till-you're-98 kind of life.
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