Saturday, January 30, 2016

The Pursuit of...

It’s been a tough month. Of course as I type this I can hear anyone who knows me and our family saying, “He’s an idiot. He’s got EVERYTHING. What does he have to be sad about?"

…and they’d be right. 

Amazing wife, family, home, enough money to take great vacations, get a ‘fun’ car, and fund my kids experiences.

But I’m still unhappy. unsatisfied. restless.

I’ve pursued happiness in a lot of ways, and to my surprise I’ve achieved many of them already. (sounds arrogant. I don’t even like typing this, but maybe I’ll uncover some truth along the way)

Maybe it’s what I haven’t pursued. Maybe it’s that since I’ve only had a written ‘plan’ when at work, and listed my contributions when at work, that i’ve ended up depending on my life satisfaction based on work.

How screwed up is that?

I love creating. I love being a part of a team/club/group that all is passionate about accomplishing something, creating something wonderful. I’ve also found I love it when I help others be successful.

I don’t feel I’m doing any of that right now.

Work is…unexplainable. Even though I’ve received great reviews, I am constantly anxious about becoming irrelevant…to the point of one person’s side comment ruins me for the rest of the day…makes me question my judgement in how I direct my work...and destroys any family connection time at night.

Music is…nearly nonexistent: I’ve recorded and performed all over, but am wholly sad about what I’ve done. I feel I’ve wasted my abilities because I’m not disciplined enough to schedule time to compose. Sure I play at church, but I’m completely replaceable…it’s not something I can uniquely contribute to.

Kids are…a miracle: They are turning out to be amazing people, but my one purpose is to raise them in a godly way, and I’ve never read a bible verse at dinner. I’ve never showed them how to study the bible. I talk about managing money all the time, but have I even walked them through a budget?

Wife is…perplexing: I don’t really know why she’s so kind to me still. 

Friends are…??? I don’t even know. I have a couple guys I can call on, but I look at my brother, or look at others and they have a rich community of friends surrounding them. Wow would that be nice. But who has the time for that? I guess they do…I have no idea how though…it’s not like I’m spending load of time doing stuff I love at the expense of time is spent accomplishing tasks that it seems I need to: driving kids (although my wife does tons more), homework, work work, travel (for work), dishes, house maintenance, outside house stuff, and the time I have left I try to reconnect with my wife. 

What bothers me most is that it looks like I’m playing…the martyr: Sacrificing my time, my opportunities for others and then in some dark corner letting this sadness grow to show myself how good of a person I am.

…and then just yesterday I received an old obituary my dad found of my great, great grandma:

Jan 8, 1932:
Born in 1850…traveled to America in 1870…married in 1878...Mrs. Hintermeister was one of the best known women in the Taylor Ridge community. All thru her life her first thought was for the comfort and happiness of others and she practiced much self denial for the benefit of those she loved. Thru her later years she took special interest in the young people of her community and rejoiced over their achievements.

"Her children shall rise up and call her blessed," for they can truly say, "She hath done what she could."

She practiced self denial? Took special interest in the young people of her community? Rejoiced over their achievements?

Doesn’t say anything about how productive in the community economy she was…what achievements she made…what positions she held...

Except it does...

…it says she was one of the best known because her first thought was for the comfort and happiness of others...

I have so much to learn. I've got to get better. I don’t even know where to begin. What would my obituary say? I thought about it once and I don’t feel it’s gotten any better. I did think about blogging about how I can help others and then list the results, but that seems vain. I could blog about what I’m grateful for, but that seems like I’m bragging (I have this, that, the other thing, …). 

Maybe I should just look in the mirror, tell myself to shut the f*ck up, grow up, and start….

…but start what?

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